‘I Was Married to a Cocaine Addict’

Cocaine: The Big Lie. I’d heard the slogan in D.A.R.E. classes when I was in high school, but until I was married to someone who was addicted to cocaine I’d never really given any thought to its meaning. Through my marriage, though, I learned that cocaine, the liar, doesn’t have to be snorted or otherwise ingested to affect you, the people you love or your future.

Though I divorced the man who was addicted to cocaine 20 years ago, I still live with the ramifications of being married to him. My life is a constant battle to overcome scars that will never heal. I never experienced the fleeting pleasure of doing cocaine, but my children and I have been given a life sentence, in a way, because cocaine chose us through my ex.

'I Was Married to a Cocaine Addict'When I found the tiny vials of white powder hidden in my home, I thought they contained baby powder. When we took the long way home, making stops on inner-city streets that prompted me to lock the car door, I believed it was because there was an accident on the highway. When there was no money for rent or bills, I believed it was because the paycheck got lost in the mail. When I was eight months pregnant and pushed out of the car because I responded the “wrong” way to a question he asked, I believed it was because he was stressed out. When we moved 2000 miles away, isolating me from family and friends because that’s where my husband found a job, I believed him, not realizing this is what abusers so often do. When my son had bruises on his back and my husband told me he fell off the bed, I believed him. But it was all a lie. The Big Lie.

Regardless of education, many of us aren’t so smart when it comes to falling in love. I found this out the hard way, living with a man enthralled by a drug means you may be constantly walking on eggshells, saying little, because if you react the wrong way you will be kicked or punched or locked out of the house.

‘His Lies Became My Lies’

I hated him, but mostly I hated myself for staying. His lies became my lies. I trusted no one, since I believed that no one could help me. Then eventually I found that this was the case: No one wanted to help me. They were all tired of hearing the stories and I was tired of being told to “just leave.” I did leave him, in fact, but he came for us. I had him arrested; he was back the next day. I got restraining orders; the orders ran out. He had a gun, he had knives and he had the white powder. He shot my cat, he beat and neglected my children while I was working and when I came home from work he had his hand out waiting for the money I’d earned in tips. When he got it, he went out all night, then came back and slept all day. The nights were my breaks. If he returned and wanted to have sex, I gave in, knowing that otherwise I’d be thrown out into the cold in just my nightgown.

The only way to battle a liar is to call his bluff. I was lucky; he had crushed most of my spirit, but a fragment of my broken soul remained. I decided to gamble my life to be free. I was lucky because my liar was, ultimately, a coward.

For years after that, I slept with a bat next to my bed, and whenever I talked to a man I expected him to blow up at me at any minute. I will never fully regain my confidence and self-esteem because I still don’t really blame the liar: I blame myself. And I still love the man the liar took over. Like me, my husband was destined to be a lifelong victim.

He’s clean now, but the temptation of the temporary high is always there. My “drug” is addictive, unhealthy relationships. Five years after ending my marriage to the cocaine addict, I married a man who was patient and kind and never lost his temper, but his addiction was pornography, and that marriage ended, too. Now I’m afraid to love or trust another and it is my head that rules now, no longer my heart.

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11 Responses to ‘I Was Married to a Cocaine Addict’

  1. Faith January 29, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

    Wow that was so touching! I felt everything you wrote. I am kind of going through the same thing as well. I feel your pain and hope that God brings you more strength and peace to overcome. Nothing is what it seems in this world esp men. I hate to say it but man have made me a colder women as well that can no longer love from my heart. I have to be wise about it, but even at that it is always a 50/50 chance when it comes to love. I have learned at the end of the day I need to love myself more then what any man or person can bring me. It’s between God&I!
    I am trying to see the bigger picture of life then define myself by my love life and suffer over it! I need to get outta this. I am so miserable living like this!

    Wish me luck! I hope we find another person who makes us happy even though we know it will never be perfect! it’s bitter-sweet out here…that’s just how it is!

  2. jenna April 27, 2016 at 11:30 pm #

    i hate my husband so much that it hurts he is a liar every weekend my kids and i have to understand that he wont be home from friday to sunday bcz he is a cocaine addict when i ask him about he becomes very angry he comes home with rolled notes of money and inside stacked with cocaine i am tired i cant take it anymore have been looking for jobs somewhere else so that i can resign and leave him with his evil ways i hate him so much that it hurts.

    • Wendy August 23, 2016 at 2:40 pm #

      Hi Jenna, I hope you are in a better place, and your husband got help.

  3. Jara June 18, 2016 at 9:09 pm #

    I am currently married to a cocain addict and living your same nightmare to a T. How do I get out of this hell I’ve been forced into? I have a 2 and 3 year old who are stuck in living hell with me. No one wants to help us for fear of his wrath. I cannot afford to pay for a home,, bills, daycare for two children and work an 8 hour day. How does one escape from the living nightmare. My husband was a normal, kind genuine person for the first few years of our marriage. He suddenly became addicted to cocaine and has become a different person. He has recently started hallucinating and not sleeping for days. He is seeing things that are not reality but gets angry when I don’t believe his stories. How do I find him and myself help? This has to end today!

    • anon July 1, 2016 at 11:39 pm #

      Jara im in a similar situation that i fear could escalate to yours one day. i have a 1 n 6yr old. if you see this please start a plan to leave. make a plan to raise a bit of money somehow. Talk to friends and family. pack some bags so you can leave in a hurry if you have to and keep them hidden but easily accessed. if he is hallucinating he could be capable of anything you need to get ready for any situation and be ready to bolt. that is what i am doing… mine came home last night high.. only lost his very well paid job 6 weeks ago n hes got a new one on alot less pay. we cant afford bills and he still bought it. im debating on just going to my mams today. had enough of the lies ive been with him 13years

      • G July 13, 2016 at 2:12 pm #

        Hi I am in a similar situation but maybe not as desperate, my partner is not violent but is very spiteful with words. I have a 3 year old daughter and I’m starting to worry that she will pick up on this negative environment. He has been addicted to cocaine for around 6 years, he doesn’t take it every day but does most weekends, luckily we have not got to the point where we are in financial difficulty. We have been going round in a vicious circle for a long time of him trying to give up, me being hopeful, him falling off the wagon and me being disappointed and resentful. I am very resentful towards him that I struggle to be nice to him, I hate that he spends most weekends in bed, that I spend most of the week walking on egg shells to avoid confrontation, that I can’t go out with my friends as I get home and he’s been using. He blames me for his addiction and says it’s because how I talk to him and treat him. I want to help him but I have no idea how, I’m exhausted and depressed and I’m struggling to see how I can get out of this mess that we’re in!!

        • Lauren August 14, 2016 at 2:58 pm #

          I am in the same boat as you. Weekend use…sleeps all weekend…avoiding confrontation. He admits his issues…but I am left with resentment and anger from him introducing such poison in our marriage. He blames everyone else for their stupidity and mine too for his use. I’m always looking for apartments but he’s ruined my credit.im too embarrassed to say why. I have three children . I hold off on paying bills until Monday in case I need to bail him out. He thinks that’s “smart” of me.. but it’s fear. I too am exhausted and depressed. I’m here with you. My heart is with you. All my friends r tired of me talking about it. It’s been 10 years. I feel like an idiot.

  4. dave August 5, 2016 at 9:59 am #

    Ladies, I am the flip side of the coin.
    Im the coke addicted husband. My wife is pregnant with our first. and ive fallen off the rails..
    I wont lie. Im addicted.. im helpless… im self loathing after a bender. and i know my wife is giving up on me.. piece by piece. she is an amazing person whom i adore. Do I treat her fair? No. Material things only go so far. Love 4 days a week is not enough

    I speak this way as i believe she is in the same boat as you all and reading all your comments has made me see my wife’s point of view.

    i say this to you all as a person in need… but what all your husbands dont need… is a school teacher or authority figure.. they need someone that they can open up to… the other night i was in my office.. high as hell… and i wrote a letter to my unborn daughter… my wife cried when she read it… i promised it would be a new leaf. but generally in these situaions… your friends are all doing it… at different levels no doubt. buts its there… its in your face… my best friend and i catch up alot…. and after a few beers… it just takes one look and we are on… we swear and promise… we will only have two bags… no more… we will be home by 12…. then comes 5am… and 8 bags later… we are in self denial.. but we both know we are in shit… we both justified it by saying,, 1,2,3 or 4am… we are in shit anywys…
    i explained to my wife… i need my best friend (her)… support… my non judgemental soul mate who is there to help… not point the finger and yell..and remind me how shit ive become… trust me… we know.

    i can tell you this… i drink alot.. i have bipolar… and the coke issue… doing coke only feels good for 15 mins… the rest is chasing… and chasing that high…. its hard to explain… but i keep alot of it at home… and it calls my name… from the pub.. from my work… its constantly ringing in my ear… and some days… i get weak.. i give in..

    i dont have the answers… i am on my knees.. lost… going insane..
    i am planning to go to NA OR EVEN AA.. but im a very stubborn person… i feel like ive failed and i must conquer these demons in my own time…

    im sure my wife has thought all the above you have wrote… and id love her to read this… im searching forums for this topic at 3am as im hating my self… really bad…
    but i also lie to myself… i may quit for a week.. but then its a bbq at a mates… and one line… is all it takes…
    do i get rid of all my friends.. do i go into isolation… and clean my system out?
    im sorry if im rambling… im so lost…
    i want my wife to know that she saved my life once.. and i need her to do it again… as with my addictive personality… i can see a drug overdose coming… hence the letter to my daughter… i meet her in 2 months… and i want to hold her for the first time clean and sober… the time is running out.. and im worried il lose everything we have built together..

    so please ladies… dont think that the drug is something like you see in movies… its not all strippers and clubs… its an anti social drug that isloates you from the real people in your life.. and you just hang out with junkies… cos you all are in the same shitty boat..

    this may not help you.. maybe it will give someinsight as to where your husbands frame of mind is… cos i can tell you… its not where it used to be…

    • Jac September 19, 2016 at 10:51 am #

      Hi Dave, by now your little girl is here and I hope mom and baby are healthy. My husband and I recently just had our first child, also, a baby boy. The entire time I was pregnant my husband used… He used opioids and then got treatment for that… Now it’s cocaine abuse. Coming from a mom to a newborn and wife to an addict please do whatever you can to stop. It is so stressful and hard being a new mother, your wife does not need this added burden. I understand it’s difficult I watch my husband deal with it all the time. I cry, worry about our new baby and our future and sometimes fear the worst. There are days I am understanding and try to help and there are days I just scream because I feel I cannot take another second. Neither reaction gets us anywhere. Please get help for your family’s sake… They need you. I want to help my husband live a better life but I don’t know what to do anymore. I take away money and that does no good, I monitor his whereabouts quite a bit, but it gets me no where. What would help you to stop ? How can your wife help you ? I ask because maybe I can do the same for my husband.

    • alice November 11, 2016 at 1:47 pm #

      Dave, there is only ONE answer, and it’s not depending or relying on your wife to “save you.” Only you can save yourself and you can only do it by getting help. NA or AA are great ideas. The best idea would be rehab. 30-60 days of your life, getting yourself sorted out, can mean spending the rest of your life with your newborn daughter. Your wife will never be able to save you. the greatest burden you are putting on her is expecting her or waiting for her to do it. YOU have to take responsibility for YOUR recovery. Your life, your daughter, your marriage – only YOU can make the decisions to enjoy those things by seeking the help you need. That’s a fact you BOTH have to realize if you hope to offer yourself and your daughter a new life. Your wife may not be around forever if you continue using, let alone if your child is impacted by your use – which she will be, unless you get the help you need. Good luck and I truly hope you are in a better place.

  5. Hailee October 17, 2016 at 4:13 pm #

    I am in a very destructive relationship with a coke addict. We have been together for a year and at first he never mentioned his use of coke. Then he said he uses it sometimes, one line or two when out partying and I believed him cuz I have never been surrounded my coke users and had no idea what it even did to u. And he really sounded like he had it under control. We moved in together and I noticed how he would use it any day of the week. And always wanted to have sex when he was high. He would snort a whole bag during the nights and we would have sex from like 11pm until 7-8am with breaks when he would take another line. I was so in love with him because of the person he was when he wasn’t high. He had the biggest heart and looked out for me and I felt so safe with him. But the last months have been the worst of my life. We would go out and party, I would drink and he would do his thing, get home have sex until the early hours. He would sleep the whole next day, wake up eat and go back to bed. If I try to speak to him he goes mental and is so mad and yells at me. He goes back to bed and sleeps through the next night and his temper is out of this world. Everything is my fault and he yells at me and just leaves and doesn’t come home for hours. He also takes sleeping pills and all this combined has made him a monster. He has started seeing things that aren’t there and constantly thinks someone is out to get him. He drags me into it and makes me look out the windows because he can see or hear ppl outside who aren’t really there. He can go for 4-5 days with no sleep and by this time he is in no condition to function and no one is allowed to speak to him. He thinks I hide his things and will yell and call me names and makes me feel so low and accuses me of things that I haven’t done. He puts his things somewhere and doesn’t remember where he’s put it and accuses me. I can’t take it anymore I have no more strength in my body to stay with someone who is in this state. I love him and I hate him. I don’t want to give up on him because I want to be there for him and help him out but he keeps saying he isn’t addicted and gets really mad when I refer to it as his addiction and says he can quit whenever he likes and says that I’m the weak one for smoking cigarettes and being a slave to it. I really can’t take it anymore he makes me feel so low and I can cry every day because of how he treats me. I really need the strength to leave him and not take him back when he feels lonely

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